Kayla

Fair warning: This blog is going to sound like me ranting and complaining, because that is what I need to do. I realize that things could be much worse, and I try to remain optimistic, but today I need to vent.

First of all, I have suffered with severe bipolar for years and although I usually have it under control, I have inevitably hit a rather bad depressive episode. Mid last month a dear family friend of mine was killed. He was one of the sweetest men I have ever known. He may have been the 6 foot something, tattooed, crazy man to many who didn’t know him… but those who did, knew he’d give his shoes and the shirt off his back to anyone he saw that needed them more than him. He had an amazing soul and did not deserve to die.

In the midst of grief, it was also brought to my attention that my boyfriend of a year and a half had been smoking, drinking, and flirting with other girls behind my back; so that relationship has come to an end.

I feel as though it doesn’t matter how hard I strive to be a good person, or how much work I put into improving myself, things just haven’t looked up in a long, long while. I miss Mike (the friend who recently passed away,) I miss Mike and Bob; two other friends whom I lost a little over a year ago, and I miss being able to feel unconditionally loved by someone other than my family.  I just want to be able to fulfill my personal goal of getting through everything life throws at me with a smile, but right now, I’m not sure how.

I’m sorry for the immature, pessimitic nature of this blog; but writing has always been my release.

My body is not used to exercise, haha. I am so sore, but it’s a good thing. Today is day 3 of eating better, working out, and *drum roll* no cigarettes! Something I thought I would never quit.

I feel better already though! I didn’t realize how dehydrated I had been feeling, and I forgot that it’s okay not to finish everything on my plate, as long as I am full. It’s nice to notice myself making progress, and I’m anxious for my first weigh in. Even if I don’t lose any weight this week, at least I’m feeling the difference.

I decided it’s finally time to start on my personal goal to lose 75lbs. This is a huge task for me, and I need some support. I am at 235lbs as of today (September 17) and I would like to be 160lbs again. I know it is going to take a long time, but I’m looking for buddies that can help keep me motivated and that will allow me to help motivate them. Please feel free to message me if you’d prefer, but yeah… anyone out there willing to help me out?